My brothers and sisters, gather round. Today, I bring you a sacred scroll passed down from our ancestors – the ultimate guide to winning arguments and simultaneously raising blood pressure across the continent.
You see, in Nigeria, an argument is not just a disagreement. No. It’s an Olympic sport. It’s Mortal Kombat with words. And if you’re not leaving your opponent rethinking their entire existence, have you even argued?
Let’s break it down step by step. If you follow this method, you’ll be feared at weddings, avoided in WhatsApp groups, and possibly excommunicated from your church.
STEP 1: Start Loud. Stay Louder.
Volume is power. If they come with “Let’s talk about this,” you come with “AH! WHAT NONSENSE! WHO BORN YOU???”
Shouting in Nigeria adds credibility. Why whisper facts when you can scream half-truths?
If your opponent says,
“Let’s be logical,”
You say,
“What is logic when you are talking RUBBISH??”
Bonus points if you add hand gestures like clapping between each word: “Don’t 👏 talk 👏 when 👏 elders 👏 are 👏 speaking!”
STEP 2: Summon Your Ancestors Mid-Argument
Channel Chief Okonkwo and Mami Wata. Invoke proverbs that confuse everyone – including yourself.
Them: “But what I’m saying is—” You: “A goat that refuses to hear the cry of the hunter will soon become suya!”
No one knows what it means. But it sounds dangerous. Say it with a frown. Maybe even squint. Confusion is victory.
STEP 3: Over-Certify Yourself
When you’re losing steam, bring out your academic qualifications—even if you barely passed WAEC.
“Are you arguing with a first-class graduate of the prestigious University of Ibadan? Me? Who did Further Maths in SS2?”
If your opponent went to Harvard, just say: “Harvard is good, but can it survive NEPA?”
Case closed.
STEP 4: Turn Into a Historian (Even If It’s False)
At this point, start digging into their family history or bring up unrelated national events:
“You can’t even fix your leaking zinc roof, but you want to advise me on politics?”
Or better: “Is it not your uncle that voted for Abacha? We have not forgotten o!”
Historical guilt is a strong weapon. Use it recklessly.
STEP 5: Claim Superiority Through Suffering
Nobody can beat Nigerians in the Suffering Olympics.
“You can’t argue with me, I drank garri without sugar for three semesters in UNILAG!”
“Have you ever entered molue with one trouser leg torn and still got to work early? No? Then shut up!”
Suffering equals seniority. If you have suffered more, you are automatically wiser.
STEP 6: Be Petty. Be Very, Very Petty.
If all else fails, insult their slippers. Or their data plan.
“Oh, you’re talking, and your phone is on 2G? Abeg shift.”
Be creative: “Your argument is like your haircut – confused and outdated.”
Insult with style. Make them cry in British English.
BONUS STEP: Walk Out Like a Nollywood Star
After you’ve completely destabilized your opponent, say something deep like:
“I have wasted enough breath on you. If ignorance were money, you’d be Dangote.”
Then hiss loudly, flip an imaginary agbada, and walk out like you’re entering part two of the movie.
FINAL NOTE:
Warning – This strategy guarantees total argument victory but may also guarantee being removed from group chats, being ghosted by your crush, and possibly being cursed out in Yoruba, Igbo, or Hausa.
But victory is sweet, my friend. Victory is sweet.
An Investment in Education 